So, I am having a difficult mental illness day today. I feel extremely depressed, anxious, and my brain is going haywire. Voices and all kinds of nonsense-thoughts is the best way I can describe it. Like sometimes my thoughts don’t even make sense, and sometimes consist of babbling in my thoughts instead of thinking in words.
Writing and knitting are my only comfort besides God right now, because I can express myself in writing in a way that I can’t when speaking, and it makes me feel more normal when I see the words on the page making sense, unlike my thoughts. When I knit, I don’t have to talk at all, I can just turn on some music and knit away.
Talking to people freaks me out because I want so desperately for people not to be afraid of me, and it tends to happen often. People don’t understand why my eyes get big when I’m talking to them (it’s actually just pure anxiety and fear, at a level that would make anybody’s eyes get wide with fright). People don’t understand why I take forever to think, and why I say random things sometimes that don’t make sense or contradict myself.
It’s because with all this going on in my head, it’s hard to have a coherent thought unless I write it down. I feel like dying sometimes, especially lately. I hate existing like this. But, I am trying my hardest to be strong. I don’t want my mind to go into suicidal thinking, which it tends to do when I’m overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed today. I’m afraid of getting worse mentally. I’m afraid of talking to people and being judged. I’m afraid people think I’m crazy and therefore are afraid of me, which hurts really badly when it happens. I’m generally afraid of ending up all alone and homeless like many people with mental illness as bad as mine do.
I’m wanting to cry and cry and cry today. I wanna just run around explaining myself to people, and to let them know I’m not dangerous, and that I’m not going to hurt anybody, and that they don’t need to be afraid of me. I want to be understood so badly. But the world is a harsh place, that’s a fact. And sometimes people will just not understand.
It is a fact that most mental illness sufferers are not violent, and are more likely to harm themselves than someone else. But there is still generally a fear of people with heavy mental illness. It is extremely painful to feel isolated, unable to form the relationships that every human being needs for their wellbeing. We weren’t designed to be alone. But I’ve found myself feeling very alone, and generally just rejected by others, and it’s probably making the issues worse that caused it in the first place. It’s kind of a snowball.
But, I’m gonna try to turn this positive now. It helped to vent but I don’t wanna just make this depressing. Jesus is what is keeping me from suicidal thoughts right now. And I know I’m not completely alone. I actually have some friends, and a good relationship with my family. I just feel alone, but it’s all in my head. I’m grateful for all my blessings, and despite my fear of the future, I’m also looking forward to the future. I’ve just gotten back into college for a BA in communication with a professional writing emphasis, and I’ve got a job interview tomorrow. My husband and I are doing well, and we are living together again, and we have our situation figured out. We are about to move in the near future, to our 40 acres of land in Arizona. I have a paid off property in Arizona as well, in addition to our 40 acres. We have three vehicles. I have like all the knitting and sewing stuff I could ever want. I am a published (self-published, but still) author, and life just keeps getting brighter. The one thing that’s missing is my brain firing on all cylinders and working properly. But, the longer I stay sober, the more I’m betting it’ll improve. Life has gotten tons better over time, like everybody always tells you it will, and like God promises it will.
For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.
I’m betting in a few more years my brain will heal up even more, and I may even be back to almost normal in time. For now, I’m holding onto the promise that weeping only stays for the night, and that joy comes in the morning.
This can be a metaphorical night, or a literal night. The Bible isn’t always meant to be taken literally, and you can apply common sense to it. So, however long my “night” is going to be, I am holding on for the dawn.
Just went on a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) 5k with my mother in law actually, and I feel like that’s another thing to hold on for: supporting others going through the same thing. If that’s you, trust me, I know how awful it can be. But you gotta hold on; things will get better. Just wait for your morning. It will come.