So, I feel the need to make a second post tonight. I just needed to write about something that’s been bothering me. I honestly have not been doing too great lately, spiritually. I feel like I’ve been trying to keep a mask on of being a good Christian, but in reality my soul is dying. I prayed a real prayer for the first time in I don’t even know how long today. I have been spiraling down into deep depression, and haven’t been going to church or praying or seeking God much. I’ve been feeling angry and bitter and cynical and dead inside. I am not feeling strong and well spiritually at all. I’ve been drifting away from God. And it’s time to come back, but I’m afraid I don’t have the strength to.
God is a source of joy and frustration to me, and the latter is why I’ve been neglecting my relationship with Him. I feel extremely frustrated by the pain I associate with trying to get close to God. But today, after praying, God spoke a few things to my heart. I just made a post about one of them (depression and joy). Another thing God revealed to me is that I don’t know Him very well, and that I mistakenly think it’s God beating me up and cracking the whip on me when in reality it’s myself. He let me know that He forgives me instantly when I ask, and that I’m the one hanging onto guilt.
So, He actually spoke many things to my heart tonight, but the basic message was that He is not the one causing all my pain, and I need to get to know Him better if I think He is the one beating me up, because He’s not. I think I’ve got a problem with legalism, and being very harsh on myself. I think I treat others the way I treat myself honestly, in my thoughts. I’m nice outwardly, but inwardly I’m a jerk, to me and everyone else.
Another thing I’ve realized recently is that I also feel that I can’t rest in Christ. I’m worried about a thousand different things all the time, and mostly it’s all about me and what I want and how I look to other people. I feel the heavy weight of living for self right now. I feel like if I could only let go of my self-addiction, I could rest. I feel like I haven’t truly died to myself yet as a Christian. It would be amazing to let go, and be a blank slate. If my opinions and values didn’t matter to me, I could let God write His on my heart. If my image and reputation didn’t matter, I could live for God’s. If my desires didn’t matter, I’d have nothing to lose, and God’s will could take their place. I know this now, but I’m still working on applying it.
So, that’s all I feel like writing for tonight, because it’s almost 4 a.m. But, just wanted to do an open heart share kind of post. I’m not doing well at all, but I’m still fighting in my weak way. I know everything is going to be alright. I just have to come back to God and stop drifting. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and God bless.