So, I’ve been through a lot in my life, and I’m only 27. I’d go into detail about it but I just want to say I’ve been hit pretty hard, many times. I have been through a ton of trauma, and no I haven’t handled it like a pro. I’ve been suicidal a lot, I’ve cried a lot, and I’ve lost composure often. Guilt, shame, fear, sorrow, anger and many other painful emotions have dogged my steps for a long time. I’ve tried to take my own life several times. I guess you could say I handled it all pretty badly.
But you know what? Here I am. Still alive. Still fighting. And the reason? Not because I’m super strong. No. I am here because I have a heavenly Father who fought for me. I’ve gone limp in His arms at times and wanted to stop believing. I’ve tried to run away at times. I’ve cried to Him like a baby many times. And He never let go. He never gave up on me. He never stopped being my Father. And He never stopped loving me and taking care of me.
I should be dead right now. That’s the honest truth. I’ve tried to take my own life several times, and at other times I’ve done some stupid things (drugs and alcohol are part of my past) that definitely could’ve killed me. But God didn’t let me die. Because He has a plan and purpose for me, and because He heard my cries for help every time.
I have been spending a lot of time wanting to cry lately. The only thing holding me together is God. I am running on fumes spiritually, because I’ve lost hope for the most part.
But, if you feel the same, this is what I want to say:
Sometimes it’s okay to be weak. It’s okay to admit that you’re not strong enough. It’s okay to cry. Just don’t give up completely. Let God hold you while you cry, and pour your heart out to Him. Let Him hold you while you fall apart. Because when you are weak, He is strong. And He is your refuge:
Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
The temptation for many when feeling immense pain inside is to self-destruct. Drinking and suicide have been my temptations when I’m breaking. But don’t run to things like that. It’s a trap. It seems like your pain will end, but they will only make it ten times worse.
God is your strength when you are going through storms, and prayer is your lifeline. Definitely don’t be afraid to lean on Him. And last but not least, the joy of the Lord is your strength, and His will for you is joy and peace at all times:
10 Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
Big hugs from me to you if you’re suffering right now, and never stop praying and fighting and holding on.